I just discovered the blog of a fellow BBC patron, and well it was just what I needed in my life right now. Things have been really hard, and crazy in my life. I know, everytime that I say that people look at me and say, "well yeah! you have 5 kids!". But to be brutally honest, it has nothing to do with hte number of children that I have. In fact, I wonder how I have managed to live my life the way that I have.
First of all, let me say how blessed I am. I have a wonderful family. I have the best husband anyone could ever ask for. And I am blessed with 5 beautiful and wonderful children. How I was so blessed, I shall never understand. Because I feel very unworthy of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.
I guess the hardest thing for me to admit is that I have a problem, I have PPD. It's more than just the stress of 5 kids, 2 special needs, and all the rest. It's more than just the "baby blues". It is a life halting, sleep deprived, "whack job" existence. How my kids have survived this long is beyond me. I always fear that one day I am going to wake up, and it will all be gone. That my dear spouse is going to look at me and realize I am a lost cause and take the kids and run. That my kids are going to grow up and hate me, resent me for not being a better mom. Irrational thoughts I know, but these are mine daily.
I live my life in a constant state of "High Alert", I think that it's always Defcon 5 in my house. I want so desperetly to be "normal" to feel like I should, but I am afraid that I don't know what that is anymore. I fear that I am pushing away those who are dearest to me, that I will end up alone and old. That no one will love me, that I am undeserving of love from those who do right now.
The overwhelming feelings, the lack of desire to do the simplest tasks, the lack of sleep nad the desperete seeking for the sleep. I feel like I am a ball of nerves all the time. And at the same time, I feel like a loser for feeling this way. Like I some how have to justify me feeling crappy all the time. I should be sleeping, the baby sleeps. I should be happy, I ahve a great husband and 5 great kids. Why am I not? Well, I don't know why not; I just know that I'm not.
I'm not okay, I'm not happy. But some day I would really like to be!
Check out: www.medicatednomore.blogspot.com
It's brought me some great relief, and I look forward to the next "epsiode"
2 comments:
Oh Krystin, big hugs. Lilah is so little now, things will look brighter...
PPD sucks. It has confirmed we are done at 2 kids. 90% of the time I am a single mom, its not fair to my boys when I am like this. I'm on Lexapro, and its helping me. The last couple of weeks have been ok- until last night. My husband threw me a curve ball that I just can't handle right now. It sent me on a tailspin again, and I just want to crawl into bed and ignore everything. Victoria's blog has been a huge comfort for me. I hope you pull through this quickly. You know where to find me if you want to talk.
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