Well, do you? I am not sure why I find that song so appropriate right now. But, I do. I feel as if all I do lately is whine. Not that I really feel as though I have alot that I have the right to complain about...I mean when I honestly take a close look at my life, I am extremely blessed. I am married to my best friend, to a man who not only loves me, but understands me, and most importantly accepts me for who I am, and doesn't try and make me change who I am to suit his needs/desires. I have 5 beautiful children, whom I cherish dearly. While at times they can be trying, and a lot of work..I know that I am not only blessed but honored to have them in this life. My husband has a job, a great one at that. That is huge, especially in these times of hardship. We have seen friends struggle with job loss, and are so grateful that we have not had to. But yet, I still find things to whine about. I guess it's true that one is never *truly* statisfied with their life, until they are dead. The thing is, I really don't want to wait until I am dead.
And yet I find, that life sometimes just sucks peanuts and blows rocks. Not by any design of my own, or someone else's....but it sucks just the same. I find myself struggling, in a variety of ways; but unclear on how to properly articulate those struggles. I find that I have yet to find a niche of sorts in my life, I feel like I have a plethura of different masks that I wear. And they vary not only on the day, but the situation as well. I am in one for home, and another for church, and yet another for family. I don't know why I feel as if I cannot be myself, or that the "self" I want to be is somehow someone to be ashamed of....but the feelings are there none the less.
I am having a hard time at church. I find that I don't have much in common with the people there, at least not on Sundays that is. Or maybe it's just more evident on Sundays. I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. But, it seems to be that it's a "whose hollier than who" game on Sundays. I really enjoy the social aspects for the most part, but even within that I find that there are those that feel that they are better than I am, or than everyone for that matter. The clincher is that it's not just me that gets the shaft...it's my kids as well. So, I guess I feel like giving everyone the "bird" and telling them to blow it all out there ear!! Childish I know, but sometimes it makes me feel soo much better..kwim??
I have never really stated that I have "issues", but the older I get, and the older that my kids get...the more open I find myself being about my "issues". I find that I don't like the stance that most people take with regards to most issues. Perhaps I am just more independant..more free thinking...less conservative. I don't see the world as "black and white" in it's entirety. I see alot of shades of grey, and even a few dark blues and a couple purples thrown in there for good measure. But I feel stiffled, for thinking differently, for having questions, for having a mind of my own. I feel some regret at some choices that I have made, I feel as if I did certain things to please others, and not myself....that perhaps I truly wasn't ready, and I ignored the signs. Perhaps this is my punishment. Life of constant questions...A life of constant doubt and feelings of never being good enough.
Bleh!!
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