I hate stupid People!!

This is gonna be a cross-blog post...so sorry!!

Here it goes...Here is what started all the steam screaming from my ears. That's right stupid Mother Freaking BBC. WOW!! I don't know why or how it is that I am still amazed at how stupid and judgemental some people can be. O.k., so I was checking to see that the link worked...WRONG idea!! Wow!! Some people just like to put other people down!! Can't wait to see how this one unfolds!!

Do you have the time..to listen to me whine?

Well, do you? I am not sure why I find that song so appropriate right now. But, I do. I feel as if all I do lately is whine. Not that I really feel as though I have alot that I have the right to complain about...I mean when I honestly take a close look at my life, I am extremely blessed. I am married to my best friend, to a man who not only loves me, but understands me, and most importantly accepts me for who I am, and doesn't try and make me change who I am to suit his needs/desires. I have 5 beautiful children, whom I cherish dearly. While at times they can be trying, and a lot of work..I know that I am not only blessed but honored to have them in this life. My husband has a job, a great one at that. That is huge, especially in these times of hardship. We have seen friends struggle with job loss, and are so grateful that we have not had to. But yet, I still find things to whine about. I guess it's true that one is never *truly* statisfied with their life, until they are dead. The thing is, I really don't want to wait until I am dead.

And yet I find, that life sometimes just sucks peanuts and blows rocks. Not by any design of my own, or someone else's....but it sucks just the same. I find myself struggling, in a variety of ways; but unclear on how to properly articulate those struggles. I find that I have yet to find a niche of sorts in my life, I feel like I have a plethura of different masks that I wear. And they vary not only on the day, but the situation as well. I am in one for home, and another for church, and yet another for family. I don't know why I feel as if I cannot be myself, or that the "self" I want to be is somehow someone to be ashamed of....but the feelings are there none the less.

I am having a hard time at church. I find that I don't have much in common with the people there, at least not on Sundays that is. Or maybe it's just more evident on Sundays. I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. But, it seems to be that it's a "whose hollier than who" game on Sundays. I really enjoy the social aspects for the most part, but even within that I find that there are those that feel that they are better than I am, or than everyone for that matter. The clincher is that it's not just me that gets the shaft...it's my kids as well. So, I guess I feel like giving everyone the "bird" and telling them to blow it all out there ear!! Childish I know, but sometimes it makes me feel soo much better..kwim??

I have never really stated that I have "issues", but the older I get, and the older that my kids get...the more open I find myself being about my "issues". I find that I don't like the stance that most people take with regards to most issues. Perhaps I am just more independant..more free thinking...less conservative. I don't see the world as "black and white" in it's entirety. I see alot of shades of grey, and even a few dark blues and a couple purples thrown in there for good measure. But I feel stiffled, for thinking differently, for having questions, for having a mind of my own. I feel some regret at some choices that I have made, I feel as if I did certain things to please others, and not myself....that perhaps I truly wasn't ready, and I ignored the signs. Perhaps this is my punishment. Life of constant questions...A life of constant doubt and feelings of never being good enough.

Bleh!!

***DISCLAIMER***

This is a vent, me whining about life, and either how much i dislike, or what i dislike about it...so read at your own risk.


Life sucks peanuts!! That is all, in a "nutshell" how I feel. I wish that I could say that it was just today, or this week, or the past few weeks. But if I am honest with myself, I would have to say it's the last few months that I have felt this way. I am overwhelmed that is easy to say and even easier to see. I am a SAHM with 5 kids, 2 of whom are special needs. But it goes beyond that. Sometimes i think that it would be so much easier to use the number and needs of my children as a crutch, something to hide the reasons that i am sad, or angry or just plain fed up with life about. But i know that not only would that not be fair to my kids, it wouldn't solve anything, in fact it would probably only make things worse.

I guess I could use this "post" to talk about me for a change. Who I am, what i like to do, stupid crap like that. But herein lies the issue..who the heck am i? I'm a wife, a mom, a taxi driver, a maid, a personal chef. But WHO AM I?? Who am I outside of all the afore mentioned things? I know that I am all those, But i also hope that I am more. That there is more to me than just "Mom". So, I tried going to school this semester....Epic FAIL!!! While it started out swell, it faded quickly just like everything else. Everyone and Everything ELSE takes priority over Me!
I know that it seems like an easy fix, but i just don't know how to....how do you undo 10 years of life, and habits, and all that? I guess i think that for a "normal" person it would probably be easy...but I am anything but normal. Maybe if you took away the Bi-Polar aspect, I might have a fighting chance...who knows! But alas, that is not my case...mine is alive and well and screwing up as much as possible. But I try so hard to not overcome, but move past perhaps. To not let it rule who I am and what I do with my life....I just find that increasingly harder and harder to do these days.

What makes it even harder, is that while I intellectually know that i should turn to the church for support, I find that is where I find the least amount. It has been so for some time, it doesn't mean that I don't believe, or that I am falling away or what have you....it just makes me sad. The one place that is supposed to be a safe haven, feels like a prison cell. I have been staying away from BBC, and the like, because I find that instead of making me feel hope and uplifting me...I get the opposite from the posts, and subsequently the people. I walk away feeling dejected and lower than filth because I am having a hard time in my life. I don't blame those who are participating, perhaps for them it's what they seek or need. But it's neither for me. I wish that I felt that i had more friends in the church, that I fit in better in my ward. I try and become active in the classes, and participate in the activities...but that is beginning to feel like a chore, and it's becoming to much for me to handle. I wish that my kids had more friends in the ward as well, It seems like only Stephen and Molly have any....Poor Meghan, she is the only girl now and that makes it hard for her to want to attend primary. I make her go, but I fear that she is going to grow to resent Sam and i for doing so. And Caleb, I just ache for him...he so desperately wants to have friends and play, but it's like that clique of "cool kids", he just doesn't make the cut. I have the same fear for Molly as she grows older, it's easy to attribute somethings to age right now, but that excuse is rapidly wearing thin. And all of this wears thin on me. I am growing weary of trying to fit in, to mold myself into something good enough. I didn't choose the same path, but does that make my path less right for me? No, but yet I feel so inadequate.

Ignorance Isn't Always Bliss

Those of you that know me, know that I am what most would consider a Realist. I am not one to see the good in everyone, I am the one that wants to know what you want, and what you are going to get out of it. My sweet Sammy J on the other hand..well he's the one that see's the good in everyone and every situation. This is one of the things that I love most about him. Sadley this is also one of the things that I hate as well.

Being who he is, He is taken advatage of on a consistent basis. It is so frusterating to sit back and watch this all unfold in front of you. It sucks to know that while he is going out of his way to do something nice, it is not going to be appreciated. But heaven forbid that he doesn't do what ever was asked of him. I love how he is so willing to give of himself and his time, I just wish that he was a little more stingy. He works so hard, between school and work and trying to cram time with us at home as well. So to see how ungrateful some people are when that time that is so precious to us is given so freely...well it makes my blood boil! And to make things worse...it caused so much contention between us. I think that we argue more about outside issues than we do any other time. I am not saying that we never disagree or that we never fight because that would not be the truth. We argue, we disagree, but we also make up and agree to disagree. But when the "other stuff" comes up..it makes it hard to make up. It makes me sad, and I know that it makes him sad too...I just don't know how to get my point across without puting some serious ultimatums on the table; and I do not think that doing that would be constuctive at all. I know that life is not going to be Roses and Sunshine all the time, nor do I expect it to be..but a few good days here and there...is that too much to ask?

Stupid People Suck

For the record, This is a VENT!!

There, now that I have that little "disclaimer" out in the open, here it goes!!

So, as I have previoulsy addmitted too, I am a BBC addict. That said normally I really enjoy my time spent on that site. I really enjoy having a place to go and "chat" with other LDS ladies, learn some new things, listen to new ideas, etc. But lately it seems that I have been setting myself up for trouble. I seem to be "drawn" to threads that are going to get me in trouble! I find it really sad, and extrememly irritating when people are so closed minded, and naive about life in general. Just because you choose to live in a little bubble does not mean that the rest of of world does or that they should have too.

So, here is the "real" story as to why I am so pissed. 1st of all, I should never have clicked on this thread, "Spin off: The Duggar's, and Plan B". Just the title alone should have been a HUGE red flag for me, NOT to open, read, and post...but feeling optomistic, and confident in my "grown upness" to not get sucked into something that was going to get ugly...I read, and posted. Then someone esle posted, and then another...here is where it gets..."sticky". This person, posted stating their opinion, fine, I felt it was closed minded, and narrow, and well kind of stupid, but I held my tongue. With all my being all I wanted to do was tell them how wrong they were...but I didn't. I came here to my own little sactuary to scream and yell and be as right as I want to be.

So, here is the deal with Plan B...it's a Emergency Contraceptive. Key word here EMERGENCY. It is not supposed to replace or be used in place of traditional birth control. This other poster who we will call..."Bob"...did not seem to grasp this simple concept. I am not saying that birth control is for everyone, or that it should be used by everyone. But to dictate how something should or should not be used is stupid in my opinion. And luckily, my opinon is the only one that matters here! Yeah ME!! Anyhow, reading the posts that Bob was making just kept putting my back up, KWIM? I just do not understand how people can choose to be so naive, and judgemental. I mean not every chick that needs to use a product like Plan B went out and got drunk and had irresponsible and reckless sex the night before. And to assume so, is stupid and worng. And to assume that every Dr. is going to be willing to prescribe such a thing is not only naive, but extremely stupid as well. I love my OB, I think that he is the best ever! Would never change unless he died, and then, I do not know where I would go. That said, I know that there are somethings that he will not prescribe, or do. I know that he will never prescribe an IUD, or preform a abortion, or tie my tubes. He feels that these are for the most part "morally" wrong. The "tie tubes" thing is more of the hospital choice than his I think!! But I know that he would never prescribe something like Plan B. He just doesn't believe that they are "moral", he feels that every pregnancy is a blessing, and so forth. While I am sure that there are some exceptions to this rule of thought, I am only speaking to what I know.

So, to assume that my Dr would give this drug to me is absurd. To make it difficult to get only forces other options to be explored. While I would never have an abortion, that does not say that someone else would choose otherwise, and it's not my place to make a choice or judge them either way. I know that when I "needed" this option, I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get it, and it would have been easier to just have an abortion than to get this "Emergency Contraceptive". Sad, but true. Plus you have to take into account the hospital ER as well. I am not to sure that unless I was raped or some such horrible thing would I have been able to get this Rx at my local hospital being that it is a CATHOLIC hospital, and we all know how they *the Catholic church* feels about Any kind of birth control.

Well, glad that I got that all out of my system, better here than on some stupid message board right? I guess my lesson learned is this, People who choose to remain naive and intollerent are then choosing to be ingnorant. And these are people who you can not reason with nor can you try and change their silly views.