Life's Little Truths...

Since I am lazy and do not want to re-write this entire post.. I am posting the link to a blog that has for to long remained private.. and it's time to bring it out, into the light..

http://bipolargirlsayswhat.blogspot.com/2016/08/bipolar-disorder-doesnt-define-me.html?zx=c61912b37b291513

So, here goes... "Bipolar Girl Says What"... the latest post!

Somday...

 have a feeling this is going to be one of the BEST Mother's Days yet.....I've started off the weekend on such a high..Met a mom at school today, who has a son with VERY similar issues to my Caleb. She has him enrolled in a local charter school, and has seen such a difference!! I am so excited to see if it might be a good fit for my Caleb as well. Then he (Caleb) came home with the Biggest smile, and a sweet little note for me..

Someday... By Caleb

Someday I will be a painter
... Someday I will go to England
Someday I will be a paleontologist
Someday I will get married
Someday I will be a chef
Someday I will be a dad
Someday I will get a clog
But just for Right now, I am happy as Your Son.
 
I want all these "someday" to happen for him. I want to see him happy, and healthy, and loving his life. I am nervous about making the school change again, but I know that he needs to be somewhere, where he can thrive.....maybe a fresh start that is JUST about him is just what the ticket is!!

Seriously!!

Oh My Lemons!! Seriously!! Serioulsy Delilah Rose, I love You...But sometimes you make me bonkers!! Like right now, and all day with the "Hlep me!! I need to go potty. But I can't *won't* go by myself!!" Aghhhhhhhh!!

Oh boy, I feel so much better! Off to the potty..cause she's all done!!

P.S. Please let this be a phase, cause I am tired of washing undies, and I cannot afford to buy a new pack every week just to keep up with the "peeing in my chonies" cause youdon'twannagopottyallbyyourself pahse we seem to be in!! Oy Vay!!

It's Apple Picking Time!!

So, it's been hotter than hades here lately, and Eva and I came up with a simpley smashing idea...we were going to Yucaipa to pick apples!! Yup, that's right folks, we went picking apples in 100 degree weather, AND lived to tell the tale!! But in all, it was really fun!! We made a "girls" day out of it, and let Ed come along just for kicks!! So, in the end it was Eva, Ed, Me, Meghan and Molly. I left Sam at home with the boys, and Lilah...They needed some Daddy/Lilah time anyway!!

So, we made it in one piece, and the girls were so excited to go. While I have been, my kids have not. It was a awesome experience for us all. We picked Apples, Strawberries, and Raspberries...or Snozzberries as Molly called them. She wasn't excited about the prospect of the rapsberries,but she LOVED the idea of picking Snozzberries..like in Willy Wonka!!

Riding up with Ed and the Girls

Missy Meghan

Miss Molly

Picking Apples

Eva and Ed

Even Ed picked a couple!!

Meghan's Lunch

On Our Way!!

Molly's Apples

Meghan picking apples

Sisters!!!

MY lunch!! YUM!!

Apple Orchard

Mama and the Girls

Molly's Lunch

We also had the BEST BBQ Ever!! Seriously, it was life changing! Seriously, just look at Ed!!!

Working Out is Hard to Do

Seriously!! Working out is killing me!! Every time I think it cannot get any harder, it does!! Geesh! O.k., I am done whining!! But in all seriousness, I am actually working out, and giving it my all, and hoping to Finally see some awesome results!! The working out part is not what's oober hard for me, it's the rest...it's the eating right, getting enough rest part that kills me. But I have to admit that all this actual working out has been making me really tired at night..so that is a win!! I am already down 3lbs, and I think that I can already see some results. I am even working out with  Personal Trainer...O.K., so it's Jenny..but as of Today she is a certified PT!! So it's Legit!!

I was a little bit nervous to do this..I know that Jenny is a Gym-aholic...but I am not. I try and work out regularly..but with 5 kids it's a bit tough. I had been doing really good, until the kids got out of school...then it just abruptly stopped. It's too darn expensive to take all 5 to the child care!! So, this is a good thing. We are working out 3 days a week right now, I am thinking that I wouldn't mind trying 4 next week just to see how it goes...hoping that I would be able to hack it...Jenny seems to think I can...I am not so sure however!

But I am optomistic, and am going to keep going. And my goal is that even after Jenny moves, to keep it up. To maintain my working out. I think that I might even like to try and take a pilates or yoga class at school again...I am not sure if I will be able to...but it would be fun to try. Here's to keeping up with all the hard work. Wish me luck!!

It's been a bad day!

It has been the week from hell. Sorry for all you that read...please pardon my "french"!!

I just received the BEST text mesage ever!! It baffles my mind how thigns work sometimes. I was having a crappy ass day, and my friend sends me the most beautiful text messge. It's not often that one of those silly chain messages, can actually be just what you needed to hear!!



So, I just had to share. I hope it will always remind me that I am important, and truly loved. So, Thanks Friend...I *think* you know who you are..If not then I am not being a very good friend!! I am sorry!! I will do better!!

***
A strong person knows how 2 keep their life in order. With tears in their eyes they still manage 2 say, "I'm O.K."
Send this a strong person, I just did.
God is good, Change is coming,God saw your saddness and said, "hard time are over".

Life or something like it

Have you ever hit that point, when no matter how hard you try it never feels like enough? When frusteration just takes over, and you have trouble seeing anything but the "red"? I find that I am feeling that alot as of late. I am increasingly irritated with not only my children, but also with my spouse. No matter what they do, or how hard they try, it's just not enough to please me. I know and understand that this is something that *I* have to work on, but I have also noticed that when I hit these "phases" I tend to teach my family very bad habits. Sadly when the phase ends, the habits don't leave with as well.

So, I have decided to go on strike...well sort of. I am not refusing to abstain from my normal "duties". I will still take the kids to/from school, do the laundry, make meals, pay the bills, etc. All the "normal" things that a SAHM does to keep her household running smoothly. But the things that I will no longer be doing are things such as cleaning up after the kids, following them around like a maid, ignoring their lack of participation in the running of our household.

So, from there I devised a plan. First off, I am taking away the T.V. in my kids rooms. I know, I know...my kids have tv in their room...there is the root of ALL our issues!! NOT!! While it's a convience to be able to send them to seperate rooms to watch t.v., without having to listen to someone whine or cry about not being able to see, or jack got to pick the last show, and jane wants to pick the next one. But I am done, I am taking back my throne, I AM MOMMY!!! So, say hasta la bye-bye to the T.V. chickens!! We are going to go for 1 week without T.V., at least the kids are in their rooms that is. My plan, in all it's brillance.....The kids have to go 1 week, doing all that is asked of them, being kind to one another, and respectfull to Me and their Dad. The consequences of choosing to NOT follow the above rules will result in being grounded for 1 day per infraction. Now, this is NOT a one size fits all kind of deal. Each kid has their own "issues" to address durring this trial week.

Stephen for example, must make his bed, clean up his room, do all his homework, show kindess to each person in our family*, and trade off days of making sure the laundry is in the sorter in the garage. *That means that even if he is upset, he will not use any physical or verbal force to get his point across. I know that with all the changes that his body is preparing for, this is going to be a struggle for him. But I believe that he can do it.

Meghan must make her bed, clean up her room, make sure that all the dirty laundry is put in the sorter in the garage. She is also responsible for making sure that she uses a "proper voice". That means, No screaming, yelling, shrieking, crying, or whining. It's going to be tough, but I have confidence that she can do it. I hope that she will find herself not only a happier person, but also that people truly enjoy being around her.

Caleb has similar goals to both Meghan and Stephen. He has to make his bed, clean up his room, trade off days with Stephen to get the laundry taken care of. And similar to Meghan and Stephen; Caleb has to show self control with both his words and his actions. He has to learn to use his words instead of screaming, crying, or throwing a tantrum. Also, he needs to learn that physical attacks are NOT the answer either.

Molly and Delilah kind of have "joint" goals, I am hoping that they will see their older siblings attempting to modify their behaviors, and they will follow suit. I have noticed that my house is fairly calm durring the day when the older 3 are at school, and that it seems to start to fall apart about the time the older kids start getting home from school. I am hoping to change this. I am praying that by modifying all our behaviors we can have a calmer, more peaceful home. My hope is that they will act out less, less tantrums, less aggressive behavior, less tears from all of us.

As for Sam and I, we need to learn to work together instead of around each other. I find that I make it very hard for him to take an active role in raising our children; but then I resent his lack of involvement...ironic I am aware! So I know that I am taking this week as an opportunity to allow myself to take a step back, and kind of force Sam into the front lines. Not so much as let him, but allow him to be more of a parent than just the "bad guy" who doles out all the punishments. I need to allow myself to relinquish some of the control, and realize that just because Sam does something differently doesn't mean that it's wrong. That is going to be MY struggle for the next week. That and I am making a personal goal to not raise my voice. I have found that I yell all the time, for no reason somedays...it has become a habit. I have discovered that my children yell because I yell. That's no bueno in my book.

So, while I know that this is not something that we can change overnight. We cannot decide tonight, and wake up tomorrow and **POOF** it's all honeky-dory and peaches and cream!! I know that this is going to take a lot of hrad work by every member of our family. I am honestly hoping to see a slight change this time next week. I think that this week will definetly be a learning experience, and I hope that we are able to take away from this what works, and what we need to continue to work on. I know that by everyone actively participating in the "cleaning" of the house, that it will most likely stay much cleaner. I know that when I clean, spend my time and energy I am more invested, therefore I care about whethere or not it stays clean. I hope for the same from the kids.

I also hope that this helps to strenghthen not only Sam and I's relationship, but those of my chickens as well. That they will learn to work together side by side, without fighting and tears. That they will learn a respect for one another, and themselves. That working for something is a GREAT thing....despite what the world is telling them.

***DISCLAIMER***

This is a vent, me whining about life, and either how much i dislike, or what i dislike about it...so read at your own risk.


Life sucks peanuts!! That is all, in a "nutshell" how I feel. I wish that I could say that it was just today, or this week, or the past few weeks. But if I am honest with myself, I would have to say it's the last few months that I have felt this way. I am overwhelmed that is easy to say and even easier to see. I am a SAHM with 5 kids, 2 of whom are special needs. But it goes beyond that. Sometimes i think that it would be so much easier to use the number and needs of my children as a crutch, something to hide the reasons that i am sad, or angry or just plain fed up with life about. But i know that not only would that not be fair to my kids, it wouldn't solve anything, in fact it would probably only make things worse.

I guess I could use this "post" to talk about me for a change. Who I am, what i like to do, stupid crap like that. But herein lies the issue..who the heck am i? I'm a wife, a mom, a taxi driver, a maid, a personal chef. But WHO AM I?? Who am I outside of all the afore mentioned things? I know that I am all those, But i also hope that I am more. That there is more to me than just "Mom". So, I tried going to school this semester....Epic FAIL!!! While it started out swell, it faded quickly just like everything else. Everyone and Everything ELSE takes priority over Me!
I know that it seems like an easy fix, but i just don't know how to....how do you undo 10 years of life, and habits, and all that? I guess i think that for a "normal" person it would probably be easy...but I am anything but normal. Maybe if you took away the Bi-Polar aspect, I might have a fighting chance...who knows! But alas, that is not my case...mine is alive and well and screwing up as much as possible. But I try so hard to not overcome, but move past perhaps. To not let it rule who I am and what I do with my life....I just find that increasingly harder and harder to do these days.

What makes it even harder, is that while I intellectually know that i should turn to the church for support, I find that is where I find the least amount. It has been so for some time, it doesn't mean that I don't believe, or that I am falling away or what have you....it just makes me sad. The one place that is supposed to be a safe haven, feels like a prison cell. I have been staying away from BBC, and the like, because I find that instead of making me feel hope and uplifting me...I get the opposite from the posts, and subsequently the people. I walk away feeling dejected and lower than filth because I am having a hard time in my life. I don't blame those who are participating, perhaps for them it's what they seek or need. But it's neither for me. I wish that I felt that i had more friends in the church, that I fit in better in my ward. I try and become active in the classes, and participate in the activities...but that is beginning to feel like a chore, and it's becoming to much for me to handle. I wish that my kids had more friends in the ward as well, It seems like only Stephen and Molly have any....Poor Meghan, she is the only girl now and that makes it hard for her to want to attend primary. I make her go, but I fear that she is going to grow to resent Sam and i for doing so. And Caleb, I just ache for him...he so desperately wants to have friends and play, but it's like that clique of "cool kids", he just doesn't make the cut. I have the same fear for Molly as she grows older, it's easy to attribute somethings to age right now, but that excuse is rapidly wearing thin. And all of this wears thin on me. I am growing weary of trying to fit in, to mold myself into something good enough. I didn't choose the same path, but does that make my path less right for me? No, but yet I feel so inadequate.