***DISCLAIMER***

This is a vent, me whining about life, and either how much i dislike, or what i dislike about it...so read at your own risk.


Life sucks peanuts!! That is all, in a "nutshell" how I feel. I wish that I could say that it was just today, or this week, or the past few weeks. But if I am honest with myself, I would have to say it's the last few months that I have felt this way. I am overwhelmed that is easy to say and even easier to see. I am a SAHM with 5 kids, 2 of whom are special needs. But it goes beyond that. Sometimes i think that it would be so much easier to use the number and needs of my children as a crutch, something to hide the reasons that i am sad, or angry or just plain fed up with life about. But i know that not only would that not be fair to my kids, it wouldn't solve anything, in fact it would probably only make things worse.

I guess I could use this "post" to talk about me for a change. Who I am, what i like to do, stupid crap like that. But herein lies the issue..who the heck am i? I'm a wife, a mom, a taxi driver, a maid, a personal chef. But WHO AM I?? Who am I outside of all the afore mentioned things? I know that I am all those, But i also hope that I am more. That there is more to me than just "Mom". So, I tried going to school this semester....Epic FAIL!!! While it started out swell, it faded quickly just like everything else. Everyone and Everything ELSE takes priority over Me!
I know that it seems like an easy fix, but i just don't know how to....how do you undo 10 years of life, and habits, and all that? I guess i think that for a "normal" person it would probably be easy...but I am anything but normal. Maybe if you took away the Bi-Polar aspect, I might have a fighting chance...who knows! But alas, that is not my case...mine is alive and well and screwing up as much as possible. But I try so hard to not overcome, but move past perhaps. To not let it rule who I am and what I do with my life....I just find that increasingly harder and harder to do these days.

What makes it even harder, is that while I intellectually know that i should turn to the church for support, I find that is where I find the least amount. It has been so for some time, it doesn't mean that I don't believe, or that I am falling away or what have you....it just makes me sad. The one place that is supposed to be a safe haven, feels like a prison cell. I have been staying away from BBC, and the like, because I find that instead of making me feel hope and uplifting me...I get the opposite from the posts, and subsequently the people. I walk away feeling dejected and lower than filth because I am having a hard time in my life. I don't blame those who are participating, perhaps for them it's what they seek or need. But it's neither for me. I wish that I felt that i had more friends in the church, that I fit in better in my ward. I try and become active in the classes, and participate in the activities...but that is beginning to feel like a chore, and it's becoming to much for me to handle. I wish that my kids had more friends in the ward as well, It seems like only Stephen and Molly have any....Poor Meghan, she is the only girl now and that makes it hard for her to want to attend primary. I make her go, but I fear that she is going to grow to resent Sam and i for doing so. And Caleb, I just ache for him...he so desperately wants to have friends and play, but it's like that clique of "cool kids", he just doesn't make the cut. I have the same fear for Molly as she grows older, it's easy to attribute somethings to age right now, but that excuse is rapidly wearing thin. And all of this wears thin on me. I am growing weary of trying to fit in, to mold myself into something good enough. I didn't choose the same path, but does that make my path less right for me? No, but yet I feel so inadequate.